All In

The days were stacked like casino chips outside the numbers. I bent over the table and with both hands pushed them all in. I could feel on the edge of each chip every day the aggregate of my life. The croupier looked up with cold blood, his eyes almost florescent green with silvery star-like reflections slow dancing on top. His lips curled up at the edge of his mouth partially exposing the yellowed pillars his words slid over.

“Are you all in?” he said.

 “Yes,” I remained stoic soft words came out before I could even think: “I can’t lose.” The croupier smiled his eyes danced faster he never looked up.

I noticed around the periphery people I recognized from my past—some I remembered their names others I just recognized their faces. A strange feeling of comfort and melancholy shrouded over me like heavy gravity, almost dropping me to my knees.

 “My days are all spent”, raced cheetah-like through my mind.

Now my life a blur of red and black as the wheel spun. The white ball in orbit around the outer edge flying around the sun. Moments and years all at stake now. Marble like sounds of rolling on glass, spinning then dropping into a small tin cup to be ejected then the sound of landing in a silver cup. It sounded like a fast Morse code, a coded message pre-announcing the outcome.

I thought I had prepared my mind but now a myriad of thoughts. Racing through time and space folding it like a fan Einstein vividly in front of me his 100,000 hairs looking as is if aroused by lightning. His words: “God does not play dice with the universe”, provided no comfort or answer.

I looked down and then up my eyes met the croupier's eyes, his eyes now dull the dance was over. Then flood-like, the scene changed around me the faces from the periphery seemed to float into place, the croupier floated away.

Now the evening an impromptu reunion, conversations with old friends and acquaintances.

My mind was different, thoughts that would be explaining to me what was happening were gone, nothing needed thought or explanation, I just knew. There were no voices in my head no color commentary telling me what I was seeing. I turned my head and looked in several directions just complete awareness and knowing.

Cognitive filters turned off, preconceptions removed, fear removed. I experienced kindness, joy, faith, beauty, empathy, trust, compassion, happiness, love, and knowing. There was no desire to judge or analyze, all negative thoughts were gone.

 The days were stacked like casino chips outside the numbers. I bent over the table and with both hands pushed them all in. I could feel on the edge of each chip every day the aggregate of my life. The croupier looked up with cold blood, his eyes almost florescent green with silvery star-like reflections slow dancing on top. His lips curled up at the edge of his mouth partially exposing the yellowed pillars his words slid over.

“Are you all in?” he said.

 “Yes,” I remained stoic soft words came out before I could even think: “I can’t lose.” The croupier smiled his eyes danced faster he never looked up.

I noticed around the periphery people I recognized from my past—some I remembered their names others I just recognized their faces. A strange feeling of comfort and melancholy shrouded over me like heavy gravity, almost dropping me to my knees.

“My days are all spent”, raced cheetah-like through my mind.

 Now my life a blur of red and black as the wheel spun. The white ball in orbit around the outer edge flying around the sun. Moments and years all at stake now. Marble like sounds of rolling on glass, spinning then dropping into a small tin cup to be ejected then the sound of landing in a silver cup. It sounded like a fast Morse code, a coded message pre-announcing the outcome.

I thought I had prepared my mind but now a myriad of thoughts. Racing through time and space folding it like a fan, Einstein vividly in front of me his 100,000 hairs looking as is if aroused by lightning. His words: “God does not play dice with the universe”, provided no comfort or answer.

I looked down and then up my eyes met the croupier's eyes, his eyes now dull the dance was over. Then flood-like, the scene changed around me the faces from the periphery seemed to float into place, the croupier floated away. Now the evening an impromptu reunion, conversations with old friends and acquaintances.

My mind was different, thoughts that would be explaining to me what was happening were gone, nothing needed thought or explanation, I just knew. There were no voices in my head no color commentary telling me what I was seeing. I turned my head and looked in several directions just complete awareness and knowing.

Cognitive filters turned off, preconceptions removed, fear removed. I experienced kindness, joy, faith, beauty, empathy, trust, compassion, happiness, love, and knowing. There was no desire to judge or analyze, all negative thoughts were gone.

The days were stacked like casino chips outside the numbers. I bent over the table, with both hands pushed them all in. I could feel the edge of each chip, every day the aggregate of my life. The croupier looked up with cold blood, his eyes almost florescent green with silvery star-like reflections slow dancing on top. His lips curled up at the edge of his mouth partially exposing the yellowed pillars his words slid over.

“Are you all in?” he said.

“Yes,” I remained stoic soft words came out before I could even think: “I can’t lose.” The croupier smiled his eyes danced faster he never looked up.

I noticed around the periphery people I recognized from my past—some I remembered their names others I just recognized their faces. A strange feeling of comfort and melancholy shrouded over me like heavy gravity, almost dropping me to my knees.

“My days are all spent”, raced cheetah-like through my mind.

Now my life a blur of red and black as the wheel spun. The white ball in orbit around the outer edge flying around the sun. Moments and years all at stake now. The sound of marble rolling on glass, spinning then dropping into a small tin cup, ejected then the sound of landing in a silver cup. It seemed like a fast Morse code, a coded message pre-announcing the outcome.

I thought I had prepared my mind but now a myriad of thoughts. Racing through time and space folding it like a fan, Einstein vividly in front of me his 100,000 hairs looking as is if aroused by lightning. His words: “God does not play dice with the universe”, provided no comfort or answer.

I looked down and then up my eyes met the croupier's eyes, his eyes now dull the dance was over. Then flood-like, the scene changed around me the faces from the periphery seemed to float into place, the croupier floated away. Now the evening an impromptu reunion, conversations with old friends and acquaintances.

My mind was different, thoughts that would be explaining to me what was happening were gone, nothing needed thought or explanation, I just knew. There were no voices in my head no color commentary telling me what I was seeing. I turned my head and looked in several directions just complete awareness and knowing.

Cognitive filters turned off, preconceptions removed, fear removed. I experienced kindness, joy, faith, beauty, empathy, trust, compassion, happiness, love, and knowing. There was no desire to judge or analyze, all negative thoughts were gone.

Thanks,

Greg